Ep.6: Mommy-isms: 6 life tips for EVERYONE
My daughter is nearly 20 years old. She's an amazing human. If you are lucky enough to know her, you know that she is introspective and self-aware and confident.
She pays close attention to how she feels and she talks about her feelings. She's comfortable in her own skin. I believe wholeheartedly that she is that way because we have always had clear communication, open dialogue. No subject is taboo.
I do not shame her about anything, and there are some very explicit mom-y-isms that I have been saying her entire life. I'm going to share six of them with you now. In case you don't have time to listen to the descriptions and the explanations, I'm just going to tell you what they are up front. Six mommy-isms.
I believe in you.
Just don't die.
Model the behavior you want to see.
The internet is instant and permanent.
Never pass up an opportunity to pee or get gas.
I trust that you will make the decision that is best for you.
So let me tell you about each one of these.
I believe in you, really, I do. It applies to my daughter, it applies to my clients, it applies to the women in the 12-step program I belong to. It applies to my partners and my neighbors. Really, I believe in you. Everyone is capable. Everyone has what it takes inside of them to accomplish great things. I believe in you is just something that I say to remind people that they are capable. My daughter, I really believe in her.
Just don't die. You know, there's always hope if you just don't die. There's always adventure if you just don't die. I believe in moving forward and making mistakes and solving problems and messing up. I have always encouraged my daughter to fall flat on her face. Absolutely Good for you. It helps us build character. It helps us figure out how to solve problems and build courage and believe in ourselves. Do the thing, go on the trip, fall in love, try something new. Just don't die.
Model the behavior you want to see. All of these apply to me too. You know, rather than telling her what to do. Rather than telling anyone what to do. I don't know what's best for anyone else. My mom used to say sorry mom. My mom used to say do as I say, not as I do, and that's not one of my mommy-isms. Instead, I'm going to behave in the way that I think others would benefit from behaving, but it's not up to me to tell anyone else what to do. That's none of my business. I model the behavior that I want to see and I encourage my daughter and everyone else to do the same.
You worry about what is inside your hula hoop, the things that you have control over. That's you. You do what you think is best for you, and other people will be watching. If someone else wants your advice or suggestions or wants to hear about your experience, they will come to you. Meanwhile, do the best you can to be the most authentic, genuine person with integrity that you can be. Model the behavior that you want to see.
The internet is instant and permanent. There sure was a time where my behavior, the things I said and did, could not be captured and shared with the world, but the society that we live in now captures everything. Be careful, what you put out there. Everything, even if you delete it, is still accessible by someone. The internet is instant. It's on there and it's permanent, even if you don't want it to be. I put a lot out on the internet Very personal information about myself. It's important to me that I put my messy on display. I want to be visible. I want people to see my mistakes. I want to show others that they're not alone. Not everybody wants that. Not everybody wants the whole world to know what their mistakes are. Be careful, be cautious, be intentional. I would tell my daughter that if she didn't want her grandmother to see it, then she probably shouldn't put it on the internet, not in a private chat room, not on Facebook, not in Snapchat. It can't be erased. Just be aware of that.
Never pass up an opportunity to pee or get gas. I have been road tripping for over four months now and never has this mommy-ism been more important. You never know when the next bathroom is going to be available. You never know when the next gas station will be available. These are really important things being able to go to the bathroom and making sure that your car can get to where you need it to go Practical mommy-ism. Never pass up an opportunity to pee or get gas.
And my favorite mommy-ism of all.
I trust that you will make the decision that is best for you. That is a hard one. It's so hard because sometimes maybe you don't experience this, but I do. Sometimes I think I know what's best. Sometimes I think I know what's best for me. Sometimes I think I know what's best for you. Sometimes I think I know what's best for the neighbors or for the city council or for the presidential nomination. But I have to back up. I have to back up and let my child, in particular, I have to let her experience life. I have to let her make mistakes. If I trust her to make the decision that is best for her, even if it's not the decision that I would make for her, even if she regrets that decision later, she is becoming a whole, capable, certain human being. That's what I want for her. I don't need to hover or helicopter or tell her what's best. Of course I want to keep her safe. Of course I want to keep her from getting hurt, but the truth is that I don't know. Back to the second mommy-ism just don't die. Everything else is growth and gravy. I trust, I trust you, listener. I trust that you will make the decision that is best for you.
Try this one with your children. Try it with your partners. Try it with your colleagues at work. Try it with your students or your clients or your family members. Try it with the people you love the most.
I think sometimes we don't trust ourselves and so it's hard to trust other people.
It's hard to trust that they will do the best thing because we don't trust that we will do the best thing. If you are modeling the behavior you want to see, other people will learn from that. They will make good choices for themselves Maybe not the choices you want them to make, but you don't know what's best for anyone else. Trust me, try them out. Let me know what you think of these mommy-isms.