Ep. 4 :How To Draw Your People To You

You know that moment when you say something to someone that you don't know very well and there's a pause, there's a flicker. It might just be a fraction of a second, maybe a tiny muscle movement in their face, but you know it's awkward and you wonder am I too much? Sometimes that happens to me when I mention that I'm gay or when I talk about being an intimacy coach. I experienced something called hyper-vigilance. Hyper meaning a lot of, like you know, a heightened state of vigilance, like paying attention all the time to what's going on around me, but mostly what's going on in the people around me. Some people might say it's empathic. For me it's. It's been a survival skill.

When I was in dangerous situations growing up, I had to be able to assess what's safe and what's not safe. I paid very close attention to the adults or the caretakers or lack of care taking. In my life I read the most minute muscle shifts in people's faces. I can sense a shift in energy or attitude. The purpose of that was to keep myself safe. That is an amazing skill to have in the world. It makes me the great anticipator and problem-solver. I can think ahead to you, know possible problems and thereby come up with solutions. I'm a great manager. I react well in emergency situations. I'm generally calm, cool and collected. I get shit done. I think all of those things are related, but also it makes it so that I am when I'm feeling insecure or uncertain. I watch other people's body cues, voice intonation. I pay attention to all the signs that they may or may not like me. I'm in a position right now where I'm meeting lots of new people and I don't mean to, I don't intend to be hyper vigilant, but I am. So my challenge all the time is whether or not I want to be 100% authentically me, because I'm always watching, always watching to see how someone's gonna react and if they shift uncomfortably or, you know, I get a side eye or there's that sense of discomfort or awkwardness, I may alter who I am to fit in or adjust so that I'm not rejected.

I read something this morning that asked would you rather be 100% yourself and be rejected, or be fake and be accepted?

And for me it's really important to find my people. So while I'm being 100% myself which is a feminist, a lesbian, an activist I'm outspoken, I am sex positive, I am non-monogamous, I practice relationship anarchy, I am tattooed and pierced and I talk about topics that some people consider taboo. I think that it's revolutionary to challenge the status quo.

I want to be 100% myself and let the people who don't like that let them go away, and then I can draw the people to me who are my people. But it's also scary and it sucks to be rejected, and I don't necessarily want people to feel uncomfortable. I certainly don't want them. I don't want to make them uncomfortable. I don't want them to be uncomfortable with me. So what do we do? What do we do with that information?

There are definitely some scenarios in which it is not safe to be 100% yourself. Many of the norms in society shun things that are different or outside of the status quo or deviant in some ways. For instance, coming out as queer could lose someone, their job or their housing or their safety. Being a sex-positive person is definitely frowned upon. There are there's so much purity, culture and fear about talking about sex and sexuality and desire. Certainly, sex ed isn't offered in a comprehensive way for anyone unless you seek that out.

As an adult. I remember meeting up with a group of women. It was a reunion of sorts and I was trying to catch up with someone that I hadn't seen for a while and asked her what she's been doing. She was kind of vague about her response. She mentioned being a dancer and she kind of deflected. I know now that she is a world-traveled go-go dancer and she does burlesque and she's super fun and hot and wonderful. I wish that we could have had that conversation in person, but of course she had to be cautious, aware that I could have rejected her because of that.

We are social creatures. We want to be loved. We want to be accepted. Rejection hurts. Rejection can trigger our core abandonment issues and our attachment styles how we learned to attach as young beings. It's a big deal. One has to be centered and grounded and comfortable and confident and self-aware to be able to go into those situations and intentionally offer up the version of themselves that is authentic and genuine.

I remember a time in my life before I even knew who I was, before I even asked the questions, before I was introspective or peeled away the layers of the onion to find out who I really am. During that time in my life I tried to fit in. I wanted to be loved. I was a chameleon. I acted the way I thought I was supposed to, the way I was told to, the way other people acted. I liked what other people liked. I did what other people did. I had friends, but I was hollow. I felt like a plastic bag blowing in the wind. And that's what happens to me when I am not authentically myself, when I am masking and pretending and afraid to show you who I really am.

What about you? Are you at a place in your life where you feel like a fraud, like an imposter, like you have a secret life or the people around you don't really know who you are? That also defeats the purpose of community and being a part of you know, even if we're surrounded by people who think they know us and think they love us, we may not feel like we deserve that love. Or, you know, maybe we're masquerading as someone and that feels really isolating, that feels really lonely. That's a sad place to be. I encourage you to take baby steps towards becoming the person that you are. Maybe you have to find new friends. Maybe you need to change jobs or leave your church or reach out to communities that you haven't been a part of before.

I'm not trying to break up families when I say that, I'm not trying to cause trouble, but I do want you to know that being yourself, expressing who you are, finding out, intentionally asking questions and being brave, it takes you to a place of strength and power and bravery and self-awareness. It fills you up. Yes, it's scary. Maybe you're not ready, maybe you're not ready to ask the questions and break out of the box.

Then, when you know who you are, when you are confident and certain, that moment when you meet someone and there's a pause and a muscle shift or a side eye, that moment that could be awkward you can just breathe right through. Breathe right through that moment and know that that person, that person, is not your person. If they don't like who you are, your people will come to you, your people will gather around you, your people will support you when you show them, when you show them your beautiful insides. You don't have to hide, you don't have to pretend. Come sit by me. I want to know who you really are. I love you. Keep going.