Ep. 2 :When to Say Yes, When to Say No
When to say yes and when to say no. That's the thing I want to talk about today.
You know, I was thinking that I am in the yes phase of my life. Someone invites me out to dinner and I say yes. I'm going to see what it's like. I'm going to get to know someone better. Or a few weeks ago, I got a text message from someone I don't know. And they asked me if I wanted to join a group of women who are having game night and a meal? I said yes. So that person came and picked me up. I got into a car with a stranger and I ended up having a lovely time. Then as a result of that someone offered me a place to stay.
Now many of you know that I'm traveling right now and I am going where I'm invited. So what a lucky opportunity for me to come to this house, this house that I'm recording in right now. This is where I was invited to stay. I said yes. Someone sent me information about a drag show at the last place that I was staying. I said yes. I went ahead and went online and bought tickets. a ticket, one ticket, traveling by myself. That day I decided I don't want to go. It's cold and wet and rainy outside and I don't know anyone. But I talked myself into it and I suited up and showed up and I had a really fun time. I took great photos and then I shared those photos with the drag queens. That was great. Gave me an opportunity to reach out to some people that I didn't know already and be of service to them. That felt good.
I'm also a member of a 12-step program. And so I go to meetings at every destination. and I get to meet people that way, and I'm invited to their homes, I'm invited to their activities, I'm invited to participate, to do things that I wouldn't have done normally. All of these things can be scary. I mean, what if I have a shitty time? But it's all an experience. It creates, I don't know, it builds character for me, creates new opportunities. I meet people who open up doors for me.
I just learned about a queer group that meets for coffee in this town that I'm staying in. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. It's going to be awkward. I don't know people. I'm just going to walk in by myself. But I know that I can offer to be of service. Is there anything I can do to be helpful? Can I, can I get you anything? Can I take your, you know, if I am going to go refill my coffee, for instance, anybody else want to refill? Like, when I open myself up to be helpful and of service, then I feel more comfortable in these various places that I end up. I enjoy meeting new people. I enjoy storytelling and laughter. I want to know more about them. I want to tell them about my adventures.
Saying yes allows me to learn new things and have new experiences and meet new people. It opens up for me experiences and activities that I never would have imagined.
Just saying yes, pushing out of my comfort zone, taking the class, going to the workshop, going to an event. If I have money to spend, then I can register for a conference like I'm doing next weekend. I'm going by myself. I don't know if I'm going to know anyone there, but experience. It helps me grow. After I do the thing, I discover that I'm capable. I'm capable of doing that. I'm successful and I feel stronger and proud of myself and certain that next time I could do it again. It helps me build confidence.
But here's the tricky part. Some of us say yes when we want to say no. Some of us sacrifice for other people. We go and we go and we go and we do the thing because we're supposed to or because we want to be the star employee or because we want to be the best parent, or whatever, you know, whatever pressure we're putting on ourselves to say yes, it's a burden.
So now let's talk about saying no. Saying no is really hot. Saying no, I don't want to do that. I don't want to go. I want to take care of myself. I want to be home where it's quiet. I want to watch my favorite TV show. I don't want to perform. I don't want to show up for everyone else. I just want to take care of me. Absolutely. Absolutely saying no is the best thing in that case. Yes, I like to push myself into new experiences. Yes, I want to say yes and explore the world and not let fear stop me, not talk myself out of something that could be really incredible. But also, being able to say no is powerful. Being able to say no is revolutionary.
So how do I know? How do I know which one to do? How do I know if it's a yes moment or if it's a no moment? Here's the trick, are you ready? First of all, there's no right answer. There's no cut and dry. This is when we say yes and this is when we say no. The way we figure it out is that we have to check in with ourselves. You have to know you. And how do you find out? How do you find out what you want?
Well, you have to spend time getting to know what's happening inside of your body. Paying attention to the somatic cues. Paying attention to what's happening in your chest. What's happening in your stomach? What's happening on the surface of your skin? Do you have goosebumps or prickly skin? Or is your stomach tied up in knots? Is your heart pounding or your chest has been dumped with adrenaline? How does it feel in your body?
The more you pay attention to what's happening inside your body, the more you will know. Is this a yes or is this a no? And if you're new at this, know that you're going to fuck it up. We don't always get it right when we start looking or feeling what's happening inside of our bodies. Sometimes excitement feels like fear. So you have to practice. You have to practice saying yes and doing the scary things. and you have to practice saying no, which also can be scary.
It can be hard to say no to someone. But you get to, because this is your life. These are your experiences. You have to stand up for you. Nobody else should decide whether you say yes or whether you say no.
And actually as I say that now I start thinking about sex and sexuality and desire and pleasure. Yes and no. I think that's a different episode.