Ep.11: What It Means to Be Queer

I'm so queer, I'm not offended by that word at all. In fact, I've referred to myself as gay, lesbian, dyke, bisexual, pansexual. I think you know.

The only word I don't want to be called is straight. I'm just going to say that. I love you. What makes me queer and why is it so important that you know I'm recording from bed right now, I've definitely decided that sitting at a desk with a microphone is too structured for me. I would much rather record for you in bed or in my car or on a walk. I just want to invite you in. I just want you to sit next to me and let's listen to each other's stories.

So being queer isn't just about sex. It's not about who I'm doing it with in the bedroom. I want to be outside of the status quo, outside of the normative culture. I don't want to be middle America. I want to make safe spaces for other people who are not.

What’s also Queer is I'm a little weird, I'm a little intense, I'm a little obscure. I don't fit into a neat little package when it comes to my relationships. I mean, I don't fit into a gender stereotype. The roles can't be assigned, it's unpredictable. The best relationships I've ever had require clear communication, openness, not assuming where it's going or what's happening next. Deep conversations and intimate revelations, the whole palette of feelings. And I've had all kinds of different relationships, monogamous and non-monogamous, dating for fun, casual sex, play partners. I've had a marriage to a woman. I've had a domestic partner of 15 years. My baby mama and I co-parented until my daughter was 18. I was engaged once to a man. I'm really glad that I didn't marry him. That would have been a heterosexual, monogamous, traditional marriage where I would have felt suffocated as a stereotypical wife, because there are other queer folks who need to see me, who need to know that we exist.

Representation matters. When I was growing up, the only queer people I saw were the folks that were demonized and represented as freaks, super effeminate men and super bold dykes.

Not that there's anything wrong with either one of those categories, but that was it. That was the representation and that wasn't me. There are all kinds of queer people. I am a feminine presenting 53 year old, thin, graying hair, lipstick, wearing outspoken, funny tax paying car, driving home, owning travel, world traveling, friendly, outgoing cisgender woman. I like Thai food and fresh cut flowers. Urban fashion, live music, home cooking. I'm clean and sober. I love to read. I want to have intense conversations. I am a whole, wild, brave, incredible person and I'm queer.

Come stand next to me in a crowd or sit next to me in a 12 step meeting, or wave at me on public transportation, smile at me across the grocery store. Let's nod at one another while walking down the street.

I see you, you're safe with me. Let's have a cup of coffee together. I want to know your stories. I love you. Keep going.

If you are not yet on my email list, I want you to change that right now. I want you to stay connected with me. I want you to know how to find me and I want to know how to find you. I am building community. I want you to be a part of it.