Ep.12: Stop Going to the Hardware Store for Bread
Stop going to the hardware store for bread, oh gosh. Do you have an expectation that people are going to be different than they are? I do, and that only hurts me.
So just this morning, I had someone that I know and care about who said they were going to do something and then they didn't do it. They disappointed me and or I should say, I felt disappointed by what they didn't do. That's me taking responsibility. They didn't disappoint me. I felt disappointed and after taking a breath and talking to someone else that I care about, who often gives me very good advice, I realized that this person, the person who didn't follow through with what they said they were going to do, that's not new behavior. That is actually something that they have done many times before. For some reason. I think that this time it's going to be different this time. They're going to act differently. They're going to act the way I want. They want them to. They're going to follow through and do the things that they say they're going to do.
I put that expectation on them and when I'm disappointed, that's because I'm expecting something unreasonable. So in this episode I want to talk about what it means to have unreasonable expectations, maybe where that comes from, like what's the origin of that fear or discomfort or irritation, and finally, I want to talk about why people get to cancel plans or change their minds or say no. So I have heard that expectations are premeditated resentments. If I expect something from someone, if I'm making a demand of them, I'm setting myself up. I'm setting myself up for irritation, frustration, overwhelm, irritation. Did I say that already? Anyway, I set myself up for the internal turmoil.
But when is an expectation unreasonable? I mean, if I am at work, for instance, do I expect that my colleagues are going to do their part or that they're going to take care of their responsibilities? In my household, is it reasonable for me to expect that my child, for instance, is going to take care of their chores to make the household run more smoothly? In my romantic relationships, is it reasonable for me to expect that my partner is going to treat me with respect and kindness and compassion? What about out on the road? Can I expect other drivers to follow the rules and the traffic laws to make it a safe place for us all to be? Yeah, I don't think so. I think no to all of those things. I mean, yeah, there are rules, there are laws, there are employment manuals and there are relationship contracts in some cases. But as soon as I start making demands upon other people, then it's, you know, asking the hardware store to carry bread, and that's just not reality.
What I have to do is focus on me, on my behavior, on what I want in my life, my own good communication.
To ask for that, oh, having those hard conversations with people when they're not doing what I want them to do, that is a big challenge. There's a lot of discomfort in that, in saying, for instance, to my daughter I really need your help at home. I would really benefit from you completing this responsibility because it will, you know, make things run smoother in the household.
Having those conversations is difficult. Not feeling defensive or reactive or lashing out that is the challenge for me, when I can have those conversations with people. Sometimes they come around. Sometimes, when I'm clear and thoughtful and direct, it helps. It helps people know what I want from them. It helps people to step up. It helps people to be clear. Also, it gives them the opportunity to state what they want and what their expectation is and how they might like things to be handled. Perhaps back to my daughter and chores. Perhaps she had extra homework to do so she didn't get around to emptying the dishwasher. Or maybe it was just that she forgot and so she's going to give up something else later to go back and complete that responsibility.
But without clear, honest communication, we don't know. Furthermore, sometimes people will disappoint us. Sometimes they won't do what we want them to do. That's where we get to have some additional choices. Are you going to let it go? Let it slide, breathe, meditate, do it yourself, ask them to do it again, get mad? All of those are options, of course, but if I'm interested in my own peace and serenity and regulated nervous system, my own sanity, sometimes I just have to let things go.
I have to relieve myself of my expectations, and that requires work on my part. Other times I need to set a boundary. Other times I need to say this is what I need for our relationship to be successful.
I need for you to do what you say you're going to do. I need for you to show up for me. I need to not feel like I can't count on you and then I have to make choices.
If that person continues to disappoint, if that person continues to not show up, if that person continues to do things and I feel disappointed, maybe I need to extricate myself from that relationship or from some component of that relationship. Back to the original disappointment that I felt, that I told you about, I don't know, ten minutes ago. That person is used to be very involved in my life and isn't any longer, and once we started to rekindle a relationship, I got to see oh, oh, yeah, this is who that person is. Do I want to keep trying? Do I want to feel disappointed or upset, or do I want to just let them be and love them from a distance? I think in this case, I'm going to go ahead and let that person be and love them from a distance. I'm not going to continue to go to the hardware store for bread in this case.
There are definitely some situations where I cannot make the choice to separate myself from a person. Perhaps I have a supervisor, for instance, at my workplace who is not doing their job adequately. First I have to analyze is that just my opinion? Am I inserting myself where I need not be inserting myself? Do I think that I could do their job better and so I'm critical and judgmental? That's an important thing for me to look at. Those are character defects that will drive me crazy. That's me demanding of other people things that they just may not be capable of. And is it my business to make sure that they're doing what they're supposed to be doing? There are definitely nuances and places where my expectations might be reasonable. Nevertheless, I may just have to accept that that person is who they are and stop demanding that they be somebody that they're not, just for my own peace of mind.
This morning, when I got the disappointing news and I went into a little bit of a spiral about how people continue to disappoint me, how people continue to not show up when they say they're going to show up or not do the things that they say they're going to do, I had to do two things. One notice that I'm the common denominator here, in these situations that seemingly keep happening to me over and over again. What is it that I am doing that puts me in that position? Am I expecting things from people that I shouldn't be? Am I holding people to a standard that is unreasonable? Am I disappointed in a way, perhaps, that other people may not be? Am I reacting differently or overreacting in a way that I need to look at for my own sanity and well-being?
Then the second thing is I looked back to when is the earliest time I can remember feeling like people let me down? When was the earliest time I could remember feeling this sort of hurt and abandoned disappointment? Where is that wound from my primary caregivers that made me feel that way? And I realized that the adults in my life were unpredictable. They didn't always show up when they said they would. They couldn't be counted on. They wanted to offer me gifts and trips and activities, and we wanted to have a great Christmas and we wanted to go off and do things together, but life got in the way. Work got in the way, drugs and alcohol got in the way. The unpredictability of my childhood got in the way and made me feel like I wasn't important, like I wasn't valued, and I think that is what got triggered this morning. I didn't feel important to that person, I didn't feel valued and it probably didn't have anything to do with me.
That leads me to the last thing that people should be able to cancel or not show up or change their minds without explaining. I get to say no, I get to change my mind, I get to cancel. I do those things to take care of myself. I want to extend the same courtesy to others when they don't show up for me. They get to do that too. And if it is repeated and I feel like I'm going to the hardware store for bread, I can decide that I'm going to go ahead and love that person from a distance. I don't have to keep putting myself in the same position over and over again. I can learn from my mistakes. I can learn from past experiences.
Sometimes it's difficult to decide. Like sure, if I'm in acceptance of everything, then I am stress-free, resentment-free. I mean serenity. But there are definitely things in the world that cause me some justified anger.
What I think is justified, meanness and bullying make me angry, and racism and white supremacy make me angry, and homophobia and violating human rights and genocide make me angry. Those are things that I'm not willing to let go of, that I'm not willing to roll over and accept. Perhaps those systems are the hardware store and I'm going to continue to try to get bread over and over again. That's something that I'm not going to give up, but also my own mental health and well-being and the regulation of my nervous system. Those things are really important to me and, on this micro level of my life and my interactions with people each and every day, I can decide who I want to be close to, who I want to allow in my inner sphere.
I'm going to choose people who show up for me. I'm going to choose people who do what they say they're going to do. They're predictable and they make me a priority. As long as I have a choice, that's what I'm going to do. What about you? Do you go to the hardware store for bread? Why do you do it? How do you decide when you're not going to do it anymore?